Publican Tommy Nethergoon has spent much of the past month telling customers, the media and his local MP that the national response to Covid 19 has been over the top. When the government advised people to stay away from pubs he responded by repeating this mantra more loudly and frequently, extolling the social importance of pubs while avoiding any mention of their contribution to the Nethergoon coffers or his determination that these should remain as bulging as the Nethergoon beer-belly. Proudly declaring himself to be medically ignorant, he insisted on his right to tell the ignorant and impressionable that nobody had ever caught the bug in a boozer, and the ignorant and impressionable continued to endanger lives by filling his pubs and his coffers. Then the government had the temerity to order the closure of all pubs, despite Nethergoon’s generous donation to Vote Leave, so now he spends all his time on Facebook and Twitter exacting proxy revenge by posting derisory comments such as ‘namby-pamby’ and ‘snowflake’ below any messages urging coronavirus caution.Nethergoon has spent all his life bullying people and he is furious that he has been unable to bully the entire country into agreeing with him that Covid 19 poses no danger. ‘Do I still shake hands when I meet my regulars? Of course. Am I going to let some tiny virus dictate my life? No bloody way. Bring it on.’ When it is pointed out to Nethergoon that with such an attitude he risks infecting other people, he says that such people should thank him because he will have made them stronger. Just as Nethergoon scorns all medical advice to cut his twenty-a-day habit and his beer-swilling, he insists that defeating Covid 19 is simply a case of mind over matter. His social media posts gather likes from the sycophantic and the similarly deluded, but most people can see that what Nethergoon’s mind-over-matter philosophy actually demonstrates is that other people do not matter to him because he has no mind.When Nethergoon catches coronavirus and has to take up an intensive-care bed because of his high blood-pressure and his tar-clotted lungs, medical staff will risk their lives to save his. When they pull him through he will boast that he always knew there was no danger.
© C P Jenkinson 20/03/2020
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