Alicia has nothing but contempt for the people who have stripped bare the shelves of Asda and left nothing for old people or hard-working nurses. Or for her. How dare they?
She is only in Asda because she could find no loo roll in Waitrose, M&S, Sainsbury’s or even, as a second-last resort, Lidl. She now finds herself in strange, unchartered territory, surrounded by hostile forces. She skirts her way round displays of doner kebab pizza and similar portents of civilisation’s end, with the grim determination of Frodo bearing the one ring through Mordor. Mentally prepared for sacrificing her luxury triple-quilted bottom to the indignity of own-brand one-ply, she reaches her target aisle and stops short. Acres of empty white shelving stretch into the distance. Those shameless stockpilers have done it again.
Alicia has no intention of buying anything else from Asda and heads straight back towards the fortress of her 4×4, darting covetous glances into passing trolleys at the loo rolls she missed. When she spots an unattended basket containing a four-pack of Supreme Cushioned she stops, dazzled by its perfection. She is on the point of reaching out to pluck it up when a tattooed giant lumbers around the corner with an armful of Nando’s Peri Peri. ‘Thought you’d pinch my bog roll,’ he chuckles. ‘Certainly not,’ snaps Alicia and trots off with as much dignity as she can muster
Alicia’s need for loo roll is not pressing; she has several multi-packs at home. But even before the rationing she would never have been so selfish as to buy them all from the same store. She has instead spent the last two days driving from shop to shop, picking up three or four packets from anywhere she can find them, which is quite different. And she’s not just buying them for herself, of course, but to keep them safe from the all the shameless stockpilers, in case they are needed by any old person or hard-working nurse she happens to bump into. Thus reassured of her noble destiny as Covid 19’s Keeper of the Loo Rolls, Alicia finds the strength to venture into Poundstretcher – the middle-class person’s Mount Doom of supermarkets – for one last try.
© C P Jenkinson 31/03/2020
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