Nobby is special. He’s been special ever since he was little. His mum always used to say so, as she laid an extra place at the table for Nobby’s invisible friend Bungo. Whenever Nobby’s brother Fred said Bungo wasn’t real their mum would say, ‘Yes he is, but only Nobby can see him because Nobby is special.’
Nobby is still special, much too special to follow the norms and rules that other people have to follow, such as having friends that actually exist or staying at home during a pandemic. Everyone else has to self-isolate. Nobby doesn’t. Everyone else can only go out to buy essential food, or do essential work, or give essential help to vulnerable people. Nobby can go wherever he likes to do whatever he likes whenever he likes. When Nobby wants to travel two hundred miles to collect a metal-frame window he bought on eBay for £15, he does, and he makes his wife travel with him. That’s because Nobby’s wife isn’t special. She can’t do whatever she likes; she has to do whatever Nobby likes. Nobby is buying the window for the shed he’s putting up at the end of his garden so that if his wife shows any symptoms of coronavirus she has somewhere to quarantine herself. If Nobby himself shows any symptoms of coronavirus he will need to quarantine himself in the house, so his wife will need the shed either way.
Nobby can’t put the window in the boot of his car because it might get broken in a shunt. But It doesn’t matter if his wife gets broken. So the window goes across the back seats and the wife goes in the boot. When the police stop Nobby and ask him why his wife can’t sit in the passenger seat, he realises they are as stupid as his brother Fred and says, ‘because that’s where Bungo is sitting.’ Soon the whole country knows he put his wife in the boot of his car like a dog, and even though the police keep quiet about Bungo it is one humiliation too many. When they get home Nobby’s wife smashes the £15 eBay metal-frame window over his head and it turns out that Nobby can get knocked out just like everyone else. Not so special after all, then. Just mad as a box of frogs.
© C P Jenkinson 31/03/2020
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