Sergeant Blunt is stirring his tea and perusing his local paper when the phone rings.
Caller: ‘My shed is being burgled. Can you send someone?’
‘I’m afraid that won’t be possible, Sir. All our officers are busy tackling the coronavirus crisis.’
‘At three o’clock in the morning?’
‘Crime-fighting is a 24/7 business.’
‘What kind of coronavirus crimes are people doing in the middle of the night?’
(darkly) ‘You’d be surprised, Sir.’
‘Well, what about my shed?’
‘I’m afraid sheds aren’t a priority just now. Resources are very stretched. It’s all those drones we need for catching illicit ramblers. Tell you what, report a coronavirus crime and we’ll be right onto it. Goodbye, Sir.’
Sergeant Blunt returns to his tea and his newspaper. The phone rings again.
‘My shed is being burgled.’
‘Yes, Sir. I know.’
‘It’s a coronavirus crime.’
‘Indeed? Hold on, Sir – I’ll get my checklist. Now, are there more than two burglars?
‘Yes. Three. See?’
‘Not so fast, Sir. Sure they aren’t all members of the same family? Because that would be allowed.’
‘Allowed?’
‘Just take a peek out of your window and see if you can spot a resemblance – big ears, hunchbacks…’
‘Hold on. No – no resemblance.’
‘Hmm. That would seem to be contravening government instructions. Where are they from, these burglars?
‘How the hell should I know?’
‘Calm down, Sir. Just trying to establish the facts. If they’ve come from miles away to burgle your shed, then that would constitute a non-essential journey. That’s if shed-burglary counts as a leisure activity. If it’s considered as work, then technically they would be entitled to drive further, since burglary isn’t something they can do from home. One more question, Sir: how big is your shed?’
‘What difference does that make?’
‘Well, Sir, if it’s a very large shed then it’s possible that the burglars are operating at the requisite distance of two metres apart.’
‘No, it’s a tiny shed. Anyway it’s too late now – they’re coming out, and driving off, and gone.’
‘That’s a shame, Sir, since it does seem likely that it was indeed a coronavirus crime. Can I just ask if yours a very appealing shed?’
‘Well, yes – it is quite a nice shed. One of those Alpine chalet models.’
‘Ah, well there’s your problem. What you have in your garden is a Local Beauty Spot. The official recommendation under such circumstances is to deploy large quantities of black paint, to discourage unwanted gatherings. Goodnight, Sir.’
© C P Jenkinson 01/04/2020
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