The Poor Billionaires

Meet Phil. Phil’s a shopkeeper, but he’s very sad because since the coronavirus lockdown nobody is going to his shops any more. Like all of us, Phil needs money to buy essentials. A billion pounds doesn’t go very far these days and Phil has to spend every penny buying yachts, lawyers and friends. Poor Phil has no hope of getting any of these, especially the last, without shelling out obscene amounts of wonga. Because he has to spend all his money on such bare essentials he doesn’t have anything left to pay his employees, or his suppliers, or his rent. Phil hopes you will pay for these things yourself by donating today to the RSPB – Revenue Support for the Poor Billionaire.

Now meet Mike. Mike’s another shopkeeper and he’s sad too. He’s sad because he’s no longer allowed to force his staff to risk disease and death by selling his tat for him. He’s also sad because nobody in Newcastle likes him. There’s nothing we can do to make Mike likeable – we can’t work miracles. But with your generosity we can help him keep his 33-bedroom house, his five holiday homes and his £5m helicopter.

Finally, meet a Dick. Dick likes playing with aeroplanes but thanks to coronavirus nobody wants to play with him any more so he’s all alone on his island far away. Please donate as much as you can afford so that Dick can stay on his island and we don’t have to put up with him living here.

Fat Phil, Big Mug Mike, Hippy Trippy Dicky – these are just the most familiar examples of a species now struggling to survive in an environment of increasing hostility: the billionaire tycoon. If we fail to act now, this poignant emblem of our age will surely go the way of other much-loved characters from bygone eras. Characters such as the feudal lord, the slave-trader and the executioner. Or the witch-dunker, the inquisitor and the village idiot. Don’t let this happen. Don’t let the billionaire tycoon become extinct. Support Phil, Mike and Dick now by donating generously to the RSPB Swiss bank account below. And once Covid 19 is over, make sure you rush straight back into their shops and onto their aeroplanes, to reward them richly for their patriotism and self-sacrifice during our nation’s hour of need.

Support the RSPB. Help Britain’s Poor Billionaires to go on feathering their nests.

© C P Jenkinson 06/04/2020

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