Nigel has now had coronavirus at least three times.
The first time was back in February when he was struck down with what he thought then was flu. Despite his being at death’s door, his partner Nicola refused (as always) to credit him with anything more than a cold, just because he didn’t have a temperature. Or any aches and pains. On the emergence of Covid 19 Nigel made a retrospective re-diagnosis but Nicola remained unmoved. The day the Government’s Chief Medical Advisor took to his podium to explain the wide variety of different coronavirus symptoms was one of triumphant marytrdom for Nigel.
The second bout hit him on the morning after his office closed for lockdown. He’d been fine at work the day before and on top form at the valedictory pub-session, during which his table-top rendition of Blue Suede Shoes had gone down a storm. The next morning, quite unaccountably, he awoke with splitting head and churning stomach. Nicola diagnosed a hangover, claiming that when it came to Nigel’s personal post-pub pathology she out-experted Professor Whitty. But Nigel was able to dismiss this on the unassailable basis that he’d only drunk eight pints. It was Covid 19 again (albeit a milder variant since he recovered quite quickly).
The third attack came last week when he was infected in the pharmacy while buying Emergency Back-up Paracetamol (for just in case they ran out of Back-up Paracetamol, which might happen if they ran out of Reserve Paracetamol and Paracetamol). This time to his great satisfaction he had a raging fever, although Nicola was predictably sceptical when he feebly gasped that he was boiling in the seventh circle of hell. Nigel hoped she would catch just a teensy bit of coronavirus from him so she’d have to admit being in the wrong, and when she didn’t he said it was because he was blood-group A which was acutely susceptible, while she was only insensitive blood group O. He put a lot of emphasis on the word ‘insensitive’.
Nigel now spends all his time emailing Chris Whitty with stark warnings about the herd-immunity theory and detailed descriptions of his many unusual symptoms. These include ear-ache, a little twitch above his right eye, and the recurring hallucination, in his more delirious moments, that he is metamorphosising into Michael Gove. He can’t understand why Chris hasn’t written back.
© C P Jenkinson 07/04/2020
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