Chardonnay is, like, seriously stressed out that by the time this stupid virus is over everyone will have forgotten all about her.
She has already enjoyed far more than the fifteen minutes of fame that a more discerning society would have considered ample for someone with no ostensible talent beyond an astonishing ability to pout. The stardom she first achieved in the reality show Sexy Sunderland has been eeked out through incontinent Instagramming and the regular submission of bikini-and-baby-oil selfies to the sidebar of shame. But suddenly nobody’s interested. All anyone cares about is some, like, sad cold-thing from China?
So Chardonnay redoubles the frequency with which she ‘shares sultry pics of her incredible curves’, but so too does the competition and she sinks to oblivion between ‘Kim smoulders again’ and ‘Amber sets temperatures soaring’. Then Chardonnay has the brainlette-wave of making herself relevant by posing in a bikini wittily constructed from three face masks. But this draws flak from humourless spoilsports who complain that it’s an inappropriate use of PPE when people are dying. As if just three more facemasks would, like, save anyone?
It occurs to Chardonnay that she would stand out more if she kept her clothes on. Also it’s now several weeks since she was last professionally buffed, puffed and waxed, leaving her with blotches, bumps and bristles that even Photoshop can’t entirely eliminate. Like, thanks, lockdown. So she takes advantage of the sunny weather to provide a morale-boost to all the poor people stuck indoors, and soon everyone imprisoned in a north-facing flat with four squabbling kids and a Rottweiler can scroll through endless wide-angle shots of Chardonnay and her chihuahua frolicking on a lawn the size of Hyde Park. ‘Hope it will cheer you all up to see me in my beautiful sunny garden!’ Not that she lacks awareness: ‘If you don’t have your own garden you can sit in the sunny patch that comes through your window, like my cat!’ Chardonnay is mystified by the many thumbs-downs this public service receives and also by the references to Marie Antoinette. She was wearing her Tonight Josephine knickers, not her Marie Antoinette knickers, and anyway she had put, like, other clothes on top?
It’s when she notices how many Likes all the photos of hospital staff are getting that the penny finally drops. So that’s what people are into now. Chardonnay gets straight onto Amazon to order herself a fancy-dress nurse’s outfit.
© C P Jenkinson 13/04/2020
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