Outside 86 Harley Street, in a shadowy corner behind the bins beneath the steps that descend from the pavement to the dingy basement area, a brown rat slinks. Inside 86 Harley Street, behind a big shiny desk and surrounded by photographs of himself, a much bigger rat sits and counts all the money he’s made from selling Covid 19 tests that don’t work to people who don’t need them for £350 a pop.
To be fair to Dr Ali he also sells Covid 19 tests that do work, or might work, although not of course at a price that nurses or care-workers or indeed proper doctors can afford. But he insists that while his customers may not be fighting on the frontline, or indeed anywhere, their social importance is unquestionable: ‘Many of them are lords and ladies,’ he points out, for he is a snob as well as a snake-oil salesman.
Back behind the bins Mrs Rat is furious. ‘This was meant to be a good neighbourhood to bring up a family, but instead it’s infested with low-life like that profiteering quack upstairs.’
Meanwhile over in Camberwell a glistening cockroach scuttles along the dark crevices within the walls of the Kingdom Church. Just a few feet away Bishop Climate Wiseman sits in his pulpit and counts all the money he’s made from selling his £91 miracle cure for coronavirus. Heaven forbid that a penny of this should be sordid profit: our man of God is driven purely by holy motives and the £91 represents the exact cost of a couple of ounces of cooking oil and bit of red string.
Mrs Cockroach has had enough. ‘I put up with it when he promoted himself from Reverend to Archbishop and gave himself a Doctorate. I put up with it when he changed his name from Irungu to Climate so people wouldn’t know he was a gang-leader who’d served time for attempted rape, and I put up with it when he flogged anointed oil which guaranteed court-case victory to gullible crims. But this is the limit. It makes my flesh creep to know that such a disgusting creature is living so close to my children.’
Mr Rat and Mr Cockroach both agree that such pestilent neighbours are intolerable and they set forth at once to find new homes in more salubrious surroundings which better reflect their higher social standing.
© C P Jenkinson 07/05/2020
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