In case you don’t recognise me, sitting here not at a desk but at a sofa table which for some bizarre reason has been placed inside a doorway, I’m the coronavirus. I’m not a pretty sight I know, but at least I’ve brushed my hair.
It’s now almost two months since the people of this country began to put up with the restrictions placed on their intelligence – your intelligence – of a kind never seen before in peace or war. And you’ve shown the good sense to recognise that the wool is being pulled over your eyes. But this is now being done in ever-sneakier ways by a government desperate to avoid the double whammy of both a catastrophic death toll and a catastrophic economic toll. So I’m unveiling my new guidelines today on how to protect yourself against the dangers currently emanating from 10 Downing Street.
STAY ALERT. QUESTION THE GOVERNMENT. SAVE LIVES.
The safest approach is to avoid the government altogether. If you do come into contact with it, you should exercise extreme caution. Question the statistics it uses, because these are manipulated. Question the international comparisons it makes, because these are selective. Question the pretext that it’s ‘following the science’, because it isn’t and never was. Most of all question its new claim to have faith in your common sense, because this is just a cynical way of evading responsibility. They’ve watched you flocking to the beaches, dancing the conga, and shoving Creme Eggs up your bottoms, and they’ve said to themselves, ‘This lot we can blame for everything’. Of course most of you are much more sensible than that, so you must also stay alert to any implication that questioning all the above is unpatriotic or unfair.
If you see a government spokesman on TV, put your mask on. Over your eyes. And block your ears. And then wash your hands while singing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life ninety-four times. If you have to leave the house, make sure you socially distance from anyone showing symptoms of infection by Boris Johnson. Two metres isn’t nearly enough – you need to be well beyond earshot. It will take many months, perhaps even years, before you are rid of this terrible affliction, but by following these measures you can at least minimise its impact.
Make no mistake: I am a virulent virus. But I didn’t ask to be spread all over the world infecting people (although I must admit I’ve quite enjoyed the Seychelles). I was quite happy among the Chinese bats. And I don’t kill on purpose – I’m not even alive. I have no consciousness, in which respect I have a lot in common with your government. So stay alert, and stay safe.
© C P Jenkinson 13/05/2020
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