Derek is incandescent about the latest lockdown extension. As he so coherently puts it: I MEAN, WTAF?????!!!!!!
Derek has been virulently anti-lockdown since the start of the pandemic and has put his foot where his mouth is on several occasions, not only during protest marches. He tried to persuade his partner Diane to accompany him to the most recent rally but Diane said she was too busy shopping, going to the pub, having her hair done and catching up with friends to demonstrate against lockdown. Derek was shocked that such frivolities mattered more to her than freedom.
Derek’s anger is not restricted to lockdown – he enjoys being furious far too much to pass up all the other opportunities Covid provides for full-blown, frothing fulmination: the rules on face-coverings (which he calls face-nappies, causing people to wonder whether by some strange biological quirk he pees out of his mouth) and of course vaccines, which he insists are at best lethal brain-melters and at worst intravenous Trojan horses for perpetual surveillance by the New World Order. Either way they must be rejected in favour of herd-immunity. WAS ANYBODY EVER VACCINATED AGAINST THE BLACK DEATH? NO! BUT THE HUMAN RACE SURVIVED! WAKE UP!!
Derek calls himself a libertarian but actually what drives him is resentment against being told what to do. He’s basically a middle-aged man indulging in a prolonged toddler-tantrum. When not scouring the internet for evidence to cherry-pick in support of a position he adopted out of sheer bloody-mindedness, he posts lengthy rants on Facebook and Twitter in which he quotes the medical experts who have proved beyond doubt that a criminal deception is being perpetrated on us all. These experts are of course forced to remain anonymous in order to protect themselves from the wrath of their colleagues because – as everyone knows – scientists hate facts. Fortunately many famous people are also bravely speaking out, so Derek can summon the wisdom of such renowned thinkers as Julia Hartley-Brewer, Lawrence Fox, and the eminently sensible Piers Corbyn. Optimists who still imagine that with properly sourced and evidenced data they can steer Derek towards rationality are patronised with advice not to believe everything they read. Just as the Christian evangelist presses improving tracts into the hands of sinners, so does Derek bombard the covid-donkeys with links to blogs written by screwballs just like him. He has yet to make a convert, but then very few people are as gifted with insight as he is.
Derek knows, for example, that Covid is no worse than flu. He doesn’t know a single person who has actually died of it and therefore nobody has died of it and it’s all a massive con. Thus does Derek reduce the philosophy of empiricism to the absurd. Anyone who claims to know of a Covid death is treated as dismissively as if they were claiming to see ghosts. ‘You’re ignoring the rational explanation’, Derek tells them. Which is that every single covid-related death can be attributed to a freak accident coincidentally occurring within 28 days of a positive test. If only the government would release the figures, we would see that 130,000 people have in the past fifteen months been struck by toilets falling from spaceships, decapitated by fast-closing elevator doors, and blown up by exploding pneumatic chairs.
Derek’s journey from scepticism to lunacy can be tracked by his increasing use of CAPITAL LETTERS and the proliferation of punctuation marks!!!!! Anyone still engaging with his posts must fight the urge to cover their ears while reading. And like so many people who refuse to recognise authority, he is highly affronted when others fail to recognise his own. Why do they cling to their delusions instead of accepting the obvious fact that all the millions of front-line workers in the whole world are complicit in a co-ordinated global cover-up? But woe betide anyone who lumps Derek in with flat-earthers and QAnon disciples: THIS ISN’T A CONSPIRACY THEORY!! IT’S TRUE!!! And just as the evangelist is a little vague about the exact nature of God, Derek won’t be drawn on the precise identity of the sinister forces that lurk behind the scamdemic. ‘You’ll see,’ he warns darkly, while hoping that the murderous global dictatorship he keeps preaching about will hurry up and reveal itself so that everyone will see he was right.
© C P Jenkinson 19/06/2021
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