The Metropolitan Police

Caller: I’m ringing to report that my car’s been stolen.

Rozzer: I see, Sir. Can I ask why it’s us you’re phoning?

Caller: Er, this is the Police?

Rozzer: Yes, Sir.

Caller: I’m ringing to tell you about my stolen car.

Rozzer: Why?

Caller: Well… I want you to investigate.

Rozzer: Oh, I’m afraid that’s not something we do here at the Police.

Caller: Not something you do?

Rozzer: No. We don’t investigate crime retrospectively.

Caller: What other way is there?

Rozzer: Ah well, that depends. Sergeant Bent likes to use tea leaves. Inspector Fathom prefers horoscopes. I’m more of a crystal ball man myself. But then we’re traditionalists – most of the lads these days don’t investigate crime at all. For one thing they haven’t got time – too busy abducting women and taking selfies with corpses. Just kidding! Seriously, Sir – it’s just not a priority any more. Besides it plays merry hell with our statistics.

Caller: But this isn’t a retrospective crime – it’s happening right now: I’ve just seen my car being driven down the street, with my number plate still on it. I even recognised the man driving it – it’s that crook who runs the bookie’s – Jobber Bonson.

Rozzer: Oh, Jobber! He’s quite the card, is Jobber. We’re all very pro-Jobber around here. Anyway, there’d be no point in us going along and asking Jobber if stole your car: he’d just deny it. Seeing him at the wheel is hardly what you’d call evidence, is it? Now, if thousands of people all contacted us to complain about Jobber stealing cars, that might be different.

Caller: You mean then you’d investigate?

Rozzer: Good Heavens, no. We’d ask Jobber very nicely if he wouldn’t mind asking one of his gang to look into it.

Caller: One of his gang?

Rozzer: That’s right. I’m sure you agree it would only be fair to give Jobber a chance to set the record straight. I’m sure if he does have your car or anyone else’s car there’s a perfectly good reason. Maybe nobody ever told him that stealing cars was against the law. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are some women on a silent vigil who I must go and arrest. Goodbye.

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