We interrupt this programme to bring you a special broadcast from 10 Downing Street.
(Acres of mahogany desk, forest of Union flags, deeply earnest Prime Minister)
Boris Johnson (for ‘tis he, still, just):
“Good evening, people of the United Kingdom. As many of you will be aware, accusations have recently been made against me that I attended a party at a time when the entire country was under the strictest lockdown. I took these allegations extremely seriously and immediately appointed the most high-ranking civil servant who works for me to conduct a completely independent enquiry. At least, the most high-ranking civil servant I’m left with after all the others had to resign for attending parties during lockdown. It is with great relief that I can share with you now the confirmation I’ve just received from Sue Gray that, as I’ve always known, I did indeed comply fully at all times with coronavirus legislation.
When I stepped out into the Downing Street garden on that evening of the 20th May 2020, it was not as a law-breaker but as a victim: the victim of gaslighting. I had been manipulated into believing a false narrative, I had been brainwashed. The gaslighter was none other than Dominic Cummings. It was Dominic Cummings who beguiled me into believing that the party on the 20th May was not a party but a business meeting, that the boozing revellers were not boozing revellers but hardworking staff battling to save the nation from Covid 19, that the bottle of WKD Blue in my hand was not a bottle of WKD Blue but was in fact the vessel of holy water I have carried with me since the start of this pandemic, secretly, to inspire me to lead wisely and well.
Everyone who has ever worked closely with me knows I have the highest possible regard for the rule of law. Our great British legal system is the envy of the entire world, and that’s why I asked those paragons of justice, Metropolitan Police Chief Dame Cressida Dick and Lord High Chancellor Dominic Raab, to review Sue Gray’s findings to ensure there could be no possible doubt. I am delighted to say that both of them have confirmed my innocence unequivocally. None of what I did on the 20th of May was my fault, and nor was anything I did on all the other times I broke the Covid rules or any other rules. It was all the fault of that Machiavelli of Millbank, that Svengali of SW1, Dominic Cummings.
Behind every truly great leader throughout history there has always lurked a jealous apostate bent on treachery. Caesar had Brutus, Jesus had Judas. I had Dominic Cummings. Dominic Cummings, a man who feels loyalty only to himself and has a shockingly careless attitude to the truth, was exploiting his position of influence in order that I would believe him when he distorted the truth to his own advantage – when he lied, even. I find it hard to believe that anyone would sink so low.
Now that this is all resolved I can at last return to the job for which you, the most world-beatingly British people on earth, voted for me with such absolute unanimity: that of running the country, our country, our precious, sceptred isle. The world-beating vaccine roll-out that I personally oversaw has succeeded in vanquishing coronavirus entirely from our silver shores, so that nobody needs to wear masks any more, not even those of you who wore them in the first place. It’s time for our happy breed of men, and of course women, and everybody in between, to look ahead to a golden British future. And what better way to do this than by celebrating the Platinum Jubilee of her Majesty the Queen. Thanks to me single-handedly liberating Britain not only from the deadly pandemic but also from the evil clutches of the European Union, by Getting Brexit Done, we are free as never before to salute our glorious monarch.
Like me, our Queen has dedicated her life to the selfless and dutiful service of this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, and the other bits, and I am proud to announce that in honour of Her Majesty my government can today announce that there will be free bread and circuses for everyone from now until the May elections. Huzzah!”
© C P Jenkinson 21/01/2022
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