Good morning. I’m here to announce the outcome of our investigation into the alleged parties held in Downing Street during lockdown. I’ve given this matter my closest supervision, despite the inordinate amount of time I’m obliged to spend rejecting spurious claims that the Met is institutionally corrupt. On that point I’d like to assure you that my door is always open to our friends in government and the press for the clarification of procedures, and that the bank account details have not changed for donations to the Scarlet and Ermine Benevolent Fund.
Our mission here at the Metropolitan Police is to keep London safe. Safe from women creating very, very hostile situations by holding vigils. Safe from black people endangering the lives of little old white ladies by roaming the streets armed to the teeth. Safe from anyone who would pervert the course of justice or democracy. That’s why we withheld the publication of our investigation findings until after the 5th of May elections. Had we confirmed earlier that Boris Johnson was innocent, opposition voters would have swarmed to the polling stations in vast numbers, out of sheer spite.
I’m here now to confirm that the findings of our investigation were, of course, that the Prime Minister is innocent. At least, those were the findings as far as any of us can remember. Unfortunately the report itself is no longer available: it was eaten by the junior desk sergeant’s dog. Truncheon – or Sir Truncheon as we like to call him since his recent award of the Dickin Medal for conspicuous gallantry, is recovering from his ordeal in a luxury kennel designed by Lulu Lytle and kindly donated by the Conservative Friends of Dumb Animals and Dumber People with money they had left over from replenishing the foodbanks in Hartlepool.
But I digress. The important point is that, apart from the unfortunate occasion on which the poor Prime Minister was Ambushed by a Cake, all the lockdown gatherings in Downing Street were entirely lawful and justified. Different conclusions may have been reached by Sue Grey, but her evidence has been discounted since she was herself arrested for Possession of Controlled Information with Intent to Supply, as well as for multiple incidences of Failure to Report that a Party was Accidental.
I particularly wish to emphasise that at no point did the Prime Minister, for example, eat a takeaway curry and drink a beer during a break in working with his campaign team at a time when restaurants were closed due to lockdown and he was three hundred miles from home. That would indeed have been a very different – and a very black – kettle of fish. I would also like to draw your attention to the integrity the Prime Minister has shown throughout this process by his refusal to countenance resigning. A less principled man in similar circumstances would undoubtedly have made such a cynical threat, in order to manipulate the outcome by piling pressure on the police.
I trust this puts an end to the malicious attempts by certain treacherous parties to besmirch the good name of our esteemed Prime Minister. I’m proud to have demonstrated once again how the Met lives up to its motto: Working together for a safer London for Conservatives.
© C P Jenkinson 11/05/2022
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