Author Archives: C P Jenkinson

Never has journalism been so easy. Time was when you had to go out and ask questions. Now you just waited for No. 10 to ring you up and tell you what to print. Time was also when you had to get your facts right. Now you could print any old thing – we areContinue reading “The Client Journalist”

When Boris Johnson first announced that he had led Britain to victory in the war against Covid and that he was now liberating his people from the tyranny of the facemask, Jackie was unmoved. Since the start of the pandemic she had been a diligent mask-wearer. Brought up on principles of personal responsibility and considerationContinue reading “To mask or not to mask”

Good morning. I’m here to announce the outcome of our investigation into the alleged parties held in Downing Street during lockdown. I’ve given this matter my closest supervision, despite the inordinate amount of time I’m obliged to spend rejecting spurious claims that the Met is institutionally corrupt. On that point I’d like to assure youContinue reading “The Met Press Briefing”

We interrupt this programme to bring you a special broadcast from 10 Downing Street. (Acres of mahogany desk, forest of Union flags, deeply earnest Prime Minister) Boris Johnson (for ‘tis he, still, just): “Good evening, people of the United Kingdom. As many of you will be aware, accusations have recently been made against me thatContinue reading “The Gaslighter”

Caller: I’m ringing to report that my car’s been stolen. Rozzer: I see, Sir. Can I ask why it’s us you’re phoning? Caller: Er, this is the Police? Rozzer: Yes, Sir. Caller: I’m ringing to tell you about my stolen car. Rozzer: Why? Caller: Well… I want you to investigate. Rozzer: Oh, I’m afraid that’sContinue reading “The Metropolitan Police”

Derek is incandescent about the latest lockdown extension. As he so coherently puts it: I MEAN, WTAF?????!!!!!! Derek has been virulently anti-lockdown since the start of the pandemic and has put his foot where his mouth is on several occasions, not only during protest marches. He tried to persuade his partner Diane to accompany himContinue reading “The Furious Freedom-Fighter”

High on a gorgeous seat, that far out-shone Justin’s gilt pulpit or Liz’s golden throne Great Spaffer sat. The proud Parnassian sneer, The conscious simper and the jealous leer Mix on his look. His MPs round him sit In bondage to their Antichrist of wit.  —————————————————– When all are gathered: here the dumb and dull,Continue reading “The Johnsiad”

Alice found herself falling – down, down, down, until she landed on a soft pile of unusable PPE. Looking around, she saw that she was in a long, dark hall with doorways on both sides. Each door had a sign on it: shop, hairdresser, pub, gym, friend’s house… Alice tried them all but found themContinue reading “Alice in Blunderland”

Cordelia is due to have her first Covid jab tomorrow and she has just learned that she will be given the Oxford AstraZenica. She is full of indignation at the prospect of receiving this common or garden vaccine instead of the far more exclusive Pfizer BioNTech which is famously high-maintenance, costs four times as much,Continue reading “The Vaccine Snobs”

‘I am just going outside and may be some time,’ says Andy as he leaves his nice warm house for a sub-zero mission to support the newly-reopened pub. Aware that it’s outdoor seating only and that lockdown might have made him a bit soft, Andy has been training hard for this adventure. He has practisedContinue reading “The Arctic Expedition”