Author Archives: C P Jenkinson

It’s all very awkward for Cressida. Of course she’s delighted that the UK’s vaccine roll-out is going so well, but did the EU have to make such an utter mess of it? At first it was easy to attribute the UK’s head start to sheer good luck: both sides had been chucking money at vaccineContinue reading “The Remainer’s Dilemma”

It’s campaigning time for the May elections but Percy Craven, MP, is feeling slightly sick. Acid reflux? Indigestion? Peptic ulcer? It couldn’t be his conscience, could it? Impossible. Percy’s conscience has not given him a moment’s trouble since he was reselected in 2019 on the understanding that he would back Boris to the hilt. ForContinue reading “The Tory MP”

Greetings, Britain. It’s me – Johnny Coronavirus – here to warn you that things are about to get a whole lot worse. Worse, that is, for you. Better for me, I guess, except that I’d rather be in the Seychelles, only my agent says he’ll drop me if I quit in the middle of myContinue reading “A Christmas Update by the Coronavirus”

The day the Black Lives Matter protesters dropped Edward Colston in the Avon, Charles felt a great burden lifted from his shoulders. At last he could once again feel proud to be a Tory. For a few weeks it had been touch and go; he had dutifully continued to share on his timeline all theContinue reading “The Defenders of British Values”

It came to pass one day that the King’s trusted wizard set out from the royal court of Cummelot to ride to the beautiful castle of Sir Barnard, many miles distant. This lovely place was forbidden to the peasants because it harboured an unlovely secret: living there all together were the ninety-four children born toContinue reading “The Annals of King Boris: Chapter the Last”

For the Scots and the Welsh, the dark cloud of Covid 19 finally has a silver lining: they can legitimately tell the English to sod off. Boris Johnson, with a bit of help from a strand of genetic information in a protein coat, has single-handedly brought about the Sassenach exclusion that the Celtic nations haveContinue reading “The Pesky Celts”

It was a springtime of sunshine and soft breezes, but it was a hard time for the riverbank animals because a mysterious sickness had taken hold. For Toad of Toad Hall this was most inconvenient, because some of the poorer animals were coming to ask him for food and medicine. In point of fact heContinue reading “The Ill Wind in the Willows”

In case you don’t recognise me, sitting here not at a desk but at a sofa table which for some bizarre reason has been placed inside a doorway, I’m the coronavirus. I’m not a pretty sight I know, but at least I’ve brushed my hair. It’s now almost two months since the people of thisContinue reading “The Address to the Nation”

Little Thickton Community Facebook Post, Monday 11th May: Congratulations, neighbours, on our fantastic VE Day 75 celebrations! WWII veterans everywhere will have felt honoured by the dignified and respectful way we commemorated their valour and sacrifice by laughing at how horrible spam is and doing the conga. And a special thanks goes to all thoseContinue reading “The Corona Conga”

(Deserted street. Dead of night. REG is waiting near a 5G mast. Two men emerge from the darkness.) REG: There you are, Stan. And this is must be Brian, our new recruit. Welcome to the Droitwich 5G-Resistance Army, Brian. BRIAN: Thanks, Reg. Proud to be part of it. REG: That’s the spirit, Brian. Er, StanContinue reading “The 5G Mast-Burners”