Author Archives: C P Jenkinson

Amy’s bottle of antibacterial spray is virtually grafted to her hand and Amy herself is invisible beyond a perpetual mist of Dettol. Everything gets disinfected, even the dog after it’s been outside to pee. The mail is sprayed in case the postman has Covid; the council tax reminder was so soggy that the amount owingContinue reading “The Obsessive Disinfecter”

Sergeant Blunt is stirring his tea and perusing his local paper when the phone rings. Caller: ‘My shed is being burgled. Can you send someone?’ ‘I’m afraid that won’t be possible, Sir. All our officers are busy tackling the coronavirus crisis.’ ‘At three o’clock in the morning?’ ‘Crime-fighting is a 24/7 business.’ ‘What kind ofContinue reading “Crime in the Time of Corona”

Alicia has nothing but contempt for the people who have stripped bare the shelves of Asda and left nothing for old people or hard-working nurses. Or for her. How dare they? She is only in Asda because she could find no loo roll in Waitrose, M&S, Sainsbury’s or even, as a second-last resort, Lidl. SheContinue reading “The Middle-Class Stockpiler”

Nobby is special. He’s been special ever since he was little. His mum always used to say so, as she laid an extra place at the table for Nobby’s invisible friend Bungo. Whenever Nobby’s brother Fred said Bungo wasn’t real their mum would say, ‘Yes he is, but only Nobby can see him because NobbyContinue reading “The Special One”

Nathan can’t understand how anyone can be such a mug as to believe that the Covid 19 outbreak was just an accident. It’s so obviously a plot by the Chinese to destroy western economies and achieve Global Domination. Nathan could tell from the outset that there was a conspiracy behind Covid 19. It had allContinue reading “The Conspiracy Theorist”

Last Saturday Kim and Kieran were sitting on a bench in sunny Skegness enjoying their fish and chips. They were sharing their bench with Stella and Si but that was fine because you couldn’t catch coronavirus outdoors and anyway Stella and Si obviously didn’t have it because they weren’t coughing. Stella and Si knew thatContinue reading “The Social Distance Refuseniks”

Publican Tommy Nethergoon has spent much of the past month telling customers, the media and his local MP that the national response to Covid 19 has been over the top. When the government advised people to stay away from pubs he responded by repeating this mantra more loudly and frequently, extolling the social importance ofContinue reading “The Invincible Idiot”