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Victoria has been running everything in Framley Heath for donkey’s years and was the obvious person to take charge of the local Coronavirus Committee. Or so she thought. Then the news reaches Victoria via the village shop that Carol Clegg from the adjacent, subsidiary hamlet of Timpson Green has started her own Coronavirus Committee. WhenContinue reading “The Village Coronavirus Committee”

It’s week three of lockdown and Rob is finding it increasingly difficult to look busy. He’s always been masterful at implying to his wife that his job is one of such relentless stress that unless home is a sanctuary of peace he will instantly have a heart attack. This brilliant ploy has exempted him fromContinue reading “The Man Avoiding Housework”

Susan is sure the people in Number 25 are leaving their house for non-essential purposes. They went out twice yesterday without bringing back any groceries. Altogether, lockdown has revealed Susan’s street to be harbouring more crims than an episode of Peaky Blinders. She sits by her front window, believing herself invisible behind her net curtains,Continue reading “The Street Prefect”

Chardonnay is, like, seriously stressed out that by the time this stupid virus is over everyone will have forgotten all about her. She has already enjoyed far more than the fifteen minutes of fame that a more discerning society would have considered ample for someone with no ostensible talent beyond an astonishing ability to pout.Continue reading “The Baffled Celeb”

HOSPITAL WALK-IN STORE CUPBOARD. DR BLACKADDER is sitting at a desk on which lie a facemask and a strip of paracetamol. BLACKADDER: Eeny, meeny, miny, mo… Enter Hospital Porter BALDRICK, wearing a bin-bag with eye-holes cut in it. BLACKADDER: (sniffing) I take it that’s you under there, Baldrick. BALDRICK: Yes, Doctor. BLACKADDER: Can I askContinue reading “The Cunning Plan”

WOODEN BUNKHOUSE. INTERIOR. NIGHT-TIME. BIG X-it: Right, chaps. Keep your voices down so the virus goons can’t listen in. Now, let’s hear your ideas. MACDONALD: Well, Roger, what we usually do in these situations is tunnel. BIG X-it: I’m afraid that won’t do this time, Mac. We’re dealing with an entirely new enemy – theseContinue reading “The Exit Strategy”

Nigel has now had coronavirus at least three times. The first time was back in February when he was struck down with what he thought then was flu. Despite his being at death’s door, his partner Nicola refused (as always) to credit him with anything more than a cold, just because he didn’t have aContinue reading “The Interesting Case”

Meet Phil. Phil’s a shopkeeper, but he’s very sad because since the coronavirus lockdown nobody is going to his shops any more. Like all of us, Phil needs money to buy essentials. A billion pounds doesn’t go very far these days and Phil has to spend every penny buying yachts, lawyers and friends. Poor PhilContinue reading “The Poor Billionaires”

It’s 9am and Pete has spent the last three hours glued to the Today programme, most recently while standing around in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in lieu of commuting to the office. He has torn himself away just once, to shower during Gary’s 7.30 round-up of cancelled sport. Other brief interludes inContinue reading “The News Junkie”

Unprecedented is exhausted. He’s had more jobs in the last month than in the rest of his career put together. If you’re a simple conjunction like And or But, or a prominent pronoun like He or She, you’re never out of work. (Although He and She have had stiff competition lately from the newly-versatile They,Continue reading “The word Unprecedented”